The porridge itself, a sizeable quantity as well, was lovely – warm but not too hot, a good consistency, not creamy but not dull either. The blueberries were slightly anonymous, as I’ve found large blueberries often to be – they typically taste of very little, and usually just sit there being cold, lacking the sweet tartness that make good blueberries worth eating. Too much is cloying, but mixed in is delightful. The peanut butter, despite me trying too much of it in my first mouthful, gave it a saltiness and a lovely contrast to the sweetness of the banana. It is, I am very impressed to say, pretty good. How does the dairy-free porridge taste, then? Off I went, over to the desk, and gave it a go. I wasn’t sure if it would be any good, and so didn’t want any spam about bagel offers just yet. I declined, hoping that the panic behind my eyes at making such an immediate commitment didn’t appear too obvious. Whilst he did this, the other assistant took my mortgage and asked if I wanted to join their rewards scheme. The chap dutifully began assembling my pot, using a scoop to get a very impressive chunk of peanut butter on top of the porridge, plus a good helping of banana and blueberries. I ordered the “Goodness oats” porridge which struck me as having the best mix of sweetness and intrigue. The naffness of saying the name wasn’t something I could easily cope with at half seven in the morning, and it came out with the word “oats” quickly and quietly, like Westminster Council trying to get rid of poor people. Everything is redundantly labelled with “oats” in the name, perhaps to emphasise that it’s not porridge made with bee wings or children’s hair or dried cat eyelids or something. An extra 90p (how much?!) gets you some toppings. Also, the price: if you go for normal porridge, it costs £2.39. By this point I had expended so much effort just to get to the till, and was the only person in there other than the staff, that the embarrassment of walking out again overcame the concern I had about whether I was about to buy rubbish porridge. What would it be made from? Water? Soya milk? Coconut milk? Bean milk? The dying ambitions of newly middle-aged men? “Organic” was transparently inevitable, but “DAIRY FREE” is not something that inspires confidence in me when it comes to porridge. Anyone who knows me may have noticed one little, but prominent, phrase that got me concerned at this point. With some trepidation, I walked in, down the long tread to the tills, and had a look at the menu. Its location has previously thwarted a noble attempt to get a barber’s shop going, but the creation of a Gregg’s nearby may help drive business that way. Its layout is rather odd, in that you have a somewhat long and thin passageway from the door to the tills where it opens up, which leaves a feeling a bit like going into an interview. It lies as the final business on quite a long stretch of commercial outfits around Milton Keynes Central station (you might have seen the estate, if you’ve ever watched Superman IV, which almost nobody has). With that thought in mind, I about-turned and walked into Peel. It’s not very good, but it’s cheap and it’s near my desk. It doesn’t really taste of much, and requires lacing with liberal amounts of cinnamon and golden syrup to be reasonably edible. The thought was that whilst our canteen at work has long since stopped buggering about with the consistency of their porridge, it remains functional but underwhelming. This thought took several days to seep into my consciousness, such that this very morning, I was walking past as usual and a thought occurred. Last week, courtesy of one of those swinging board notices, I noticed that they served porridge. It hasn’t yet, and I doubt the “magician” look goes down terribly well in Shoreditch. The only reason why I ever have a beard is (a) I hate shaving and (b) one of my biannual tests to see whether the beard I grow has stopped looking shit yet. There may well be a comfortable and confident population of people out there who contemplate the fun of getting their shoes on, skipping out of the door and heading down for some fruit whizzed up with coconut water and chia seeds and seaweed or grass or something, but I am not one of those people. Because of this reason, I ignored Peel for a long time.
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